I am married 11 years today! Here are some words of hope to a struggling wife

Today I wish to write to the wife out there who is struggling in her marriage. The woman who feels stuck, trapped and hopeless and wondering if the time has come to call it quits and cut her losses and leave. You feel like you have tried everything you can think of. You are emotionally drained and are no longer even sure if you ever were truly in love.


Today I want to say to the struggling, emotionally drained wife that

there is hope.



        There is hope for reconciliation
         There is hope of forgiveness
         There is hope for healing
         There is hope of being able to trust again
         And most importantly
         there is hope to find love again,
        …. all with the man you are married to today




How do I know?


I know that there is hope because I have been there, I have weathered this bumpy ride and made it through.


Married eleven years today! .....words of hope to a struggling wife


I am celebrating 11 years of marriage today! I feel quite proud of the fact that today I am standing hand in hand with tech man caring for two wonderful children and enjoying a wonderful life full of joy and love.

…..We almost didn’t make it.


This year has truly been the happiest year of my marriage yet but there was a time that I wouldn’t have believed this was possible. Today I stand as a living testimony that IT IS POSSIBLE!


So much healing and restoration has taken place in our marriage it is ridiculous. Love has returned to our home again.


In my marriage these 11 years we have had to face many challenging issues head on. Some of these have included addiction, financial crisis, infertility and depression. While trying to address these massive challenges, a whole lot of deeper issues related from childhood and past hurts arose for both of us too. We struggled with self-esteem and communication, trust and commitment….and more. Add to all this the fact that my husband has a low level of Asperger Syndrome that wasn’t realised until recent years…. The mountain of hurdles to overcome seemed insurmountable to both of us at one point.


I could have separated and divorced. Some people probably thought I should have, many would have, but I didn’t and today I am so glad to have a loving husband still beside me being a great dad to our children.


One of the main reasons I have started to write this blog is to provide a platform where I can gradually gather my thoughts, reflections and learnings from the past few years. That someone out there might be able to benefit from my own personal successes and failures. So if you would like to hear more about my journey PLEASE make sure you subscribe by filling in your email below. Also, please do share this blog if you know someone who might like to read it. There are plenty of people out there unhappy in their marriage.


There are many things I would like to eventually write about, today is just an introduction I guess of things to come.


I would like to just share for a moment with the struggling wife who is reading this blog a couple of resources that I found immensely helpful to me personally. They gave me hope, perspective and practical ideas that enabled me to move forward and take some next steps when I felt completely deflated, stuck, and alone. I was never really much of a reader but when I felt like my life was falling apart around me I was desperate for some sound advice and ideas and this is what I found helped me……


Six books that gave me hope in a struggling marriage



Resource 1:

“Love and respect” by Dr Emerson Eggerichs

I have read many books about marriage and the differences between men and women. Many books I found not very helpful but this one really was. It is extremely practical and easy to read, a great place to start. The best book about marriage that I have read so far.


Resource 2:

“Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend

There are several “Boundaries” books now written and they truly are a great read to help you discern when to say ‘yes’ and when to say ‘no’ in many different situations (eg. in the workplace, with children, when dating etc). This book will address situations specific to marriages and how to set healthy boundaries. Yes, that’s right, boundaries are important even with your spouse!


Resource 3:

“The Love Dare” by Alex and Stephen Kendrick

This is such an awesome book for anyone who wants to revive the romance and love in their marriage. It has daily readings and challenges for 40 days. You don’t need your spouses cooperation to participate, in fact, half the fun is not telling them what is going on and see how they respond as you diligently carry out the daily love dares each day…. giving small unexpected gifts, hugs and other random acts of love. I successfully completed all 40 days and by doing these challenges I genuinely found I had more love for my husband by the end of it. It was VERY worthwhile.


There is a DVD called “fireproof” that highlights the potential changes in your marriage if you chose to accept the ‘Love Dare’ challenge. Also, there are some great resources connected to this book that are a perfect gift for newly married couples.


Resource 4:

“Walking with God on the road you never wanted to travel” by Mark Atteberry

This book is also super practical and useful for anyone who finds themselves in a difficult life situation. With 15 strategies in total, you won’t be left wondering what to do next. I personally loved strategy number 5 the best: “step over the dead and keep on walking”. I had to look past the marriages I saw around me that were falling apart and keep my eyes on my dream of what my marriage could one day be.


Resource 5:

“I Quit ! : Stop pretending everything is fine and change your life” by Geri Scazzero with Peter Scazzero

I liked this book because it empowered me to start being real with myself and others of what was happening, how I was feeling and what I needed to do to make it through. It gave me confidence to be me and quit worrying about what others might think etc.


Resource 6:

“Why I stayed: the choices I made in my darkest hour” by Gayle Hazzard

This book is a real life testimony of a woman who persisted in a very difficult marriage situation and made it through. It gave me much hope when I was in my darkest hour.




Finally, let me share with you my paraphrased version of the Bible verse that got me through the most difficult years in my marriage. I truly do love these verses and they have encouraged me and spurred me on when I felt lost.


Phillipians 4:4-9 Paraphased


Today I thank God for His faithfulness to me these 11 years and I pray for the struggling wives. I pray that today you will find a glimpse of hope, encouragement and inspiration to keep on dreaming and pursuing the marriage God longs for you to have.


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18 thoughts on “I am married 11 years today! Here are some words of hope to a struggling wife

  1. Thank you so much for this post. My husband and I have been married for 10yrs and in the last few months our marriage has been very hard. I really look forward to reading more of your posts.

    • Thanks so much for the encouragement Kylie! I am glad to know this post is reaching people who can be encouraged by it. I will definitely pray for you in the next coming weeks for some ‘breakthrough’ …whatever that might be. If there is a specific topic that I referred to in this post or otherwise that you would like me to expand on please do let me know. I have a lot on my mind that I want to eventually write about but also I want to be relevant for the current readers. bless you heaps ooxx

  2. Thank you for this. My marriage is struggling. We are separated and my husband is thinking strongly about divorce. I’ve been praying big, bold prayers, but feel as if God isn’t listening.

    • Oh Melynna, I am so sorry to hear this, I will certainly pray for a breakthrough for you and your husband. I am so glad you found this post of some encouragement. God knows your situation and I can tell you I have had times when I had just about lost all hope and energy and felt like God wasn’t listening and then a miracle happened and suddenly I got an extra dose of hope or idea of what to do next…I hope this can be the same for you. Celebrate the small wins and be easy on yourself. Just take it day by day. Trust God, it’s a long journey I know, but he’ll be with you no matter what lies ahead and good can come from all this somehow. This is the greatest Christmas gift. God bless! oox

    • I pray things worked out for you. Something I remember is a quote from God’s not dead 2. “When you’re going through something tough, remember the teacher is always quiet during the test.” Please believe God is always listening and helping. You’re never alone.

  3. Hi thank you it’s nice to hear that things have changed for the better for some iwish for the same.I to am struggling with my marriage married 13 years but together 21 & 3 boys in 2015 I found out my husband had an affair with have been arguing like never before it’s been a year in half since he moved out. I was bitter angry etc. I pray everyday sometimes I feel I’m not heard to. We don’t fight has much but when it gets better something brings us back to arguing. He moved back after a year & 6 months & we are trying but still need help I feel he’s doing it for the kids although he saids he loves me. I know he loves me has I do him. He also needs to have faith in God he has little. I pray that God will open up to him. He’s a changed man I don’t really like it. I want my old husband back . I pray for him that the Lord will lift him up. & give me strength. I m trying really hard to forgive him. I was told to forgive her that for me is super hard because she knew my family and disrespect all of us. I know my faults in the relationship but that part was not mine the infedlty.
    Thanks again I would love to talk to you.

    • Hi Nellie, Thank you for leaving a comment. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. It is so hard to re-gain trust after something like an affair which is such an important element in a marriage. You are doing so well fighting for your marriage and it is great news that your husband IS still around and wanting to make it work. At least there is that. I would highly recommend the Love Dare book I mention in this Blog post to help you take a day at a time and keep fighting. Try and focus on learning/ trying to love and restore relationship again and let God deal with the judging and discipline. Just take it a day at a time asking God for supernatural strength, wisdom, insight, patience and love for that day. Have you been able to see a counsellor either individually or together? I know it can be expensive but worth the investment if it saves your marriage. If there has been a sudden change in character perhaps prayer ministry could be something to consider too (just an idea). I am happy to talk further privately if you’d like to either email me (see my contacts page) or PM me via my Facebook. In the mean time, please know that I am praying for you and your husband and three precious boys. God Bless.

  4. I’ve been married to my husband for 2yrs been together 13yrs. I recently found emails to a coworker he was attempting to cheat on me again. He’s done it two times before. He feels since there was nothing physical all three times it wasn’t really cheating, I disagree. I struggle with trusting and we fight because I can’t get past it just yet. It’s happened all within a 2yr span. We fight because I look through his phone, which is how I caught him all three times. I know it was wrong. He can’t seem to understand that it’s going to take me time but I don’t help the fact of bringing up what I read. We fight because I want answers to his actions. I need closure to it all. Is it wrong to want to see what she looks like? I’m thinking it’s because I feel insecure about my self and age. I’m 40, he’s 35 and he’s tried to have relations with 20 yr olds. I’ve become tired and weary of it all but the vows I made before God keep me going. I’m so happy to have found you, I have felt lost, embarrassed, angry, and unsure of going on in my marriage. I have been looking for ways and books to get me through all this. I’m not much of a reader like your self so I’m excited to go and buy them.

    • Ah, yes, emotional attachments to the opposite sex is a dangerous slippery slope and you are right, it is so hard to regain trust again once it has been broken. I totally understand the wanting to check his phone thing. Been there, done that. It didn’t go down so well for me either. It sounds like you will need him to start showing some openness and transparency and effort for you to be able to move forward and regain intimacy in the relationship (?). Can you have a discussion with him of what he would be willing to do to help you feel secure in the relationship again? Does he WANT to regain your trust? If so maybe the two of you can work out an agreement that pleases both of you. If he is not ‘coming to the party’ so to speak you might need to work out what boundaries you need to lovingly put in place. Currently I am reading a book called “Beyond Boundaries: Learning to trust again in relationships” I am only up to chapter 5 so far but it is fantastic and sounds like it would relate very well to you at the moment. I totally understand how you are wanting to know more about these other women too. Can I say….. my experience is that isn’t very helpful at all as is just gives you an image in your mind to replay over and over again. There will always be women out there that look more beautiful or seem nicer. The issue here is how much this marriage relationship is valued by your partner. You can’t live a life questioning his every move, you can’t stop him talking to other females and neither can you live a life constantly feeling anxious trying to change the way you look or act to try and please him. You will be in my prayers Mel. I pray he will show love and commitment to the marriage in the coming weeks and show empathy how you are feeling at the moment, and that you will find ways to slowly let yourself become vulnerable and able to trust again…. or have the strength to put healthy boundaries in place if they are needed. God Bless ooxx

  5. Thank you so much for this. My husband has filed for divorce and taken part of our bank account and isn’t putting his paycheck back in and is only paying for part of things which leaves me as a stay at home mom (by his choice) with paying the bills in a rapidly declining account. His response is I guess you’ll have to get a job. I had to leave my job because he put me in a position that I had to. Not waking up to care for a newborn and 2 year old while I was suppose to be at work. He worked 2nd and I worked mornings at an adult education center. His only reason for wanting me home was to keep me from being around males. So I think this is all mainly a game for him. To claim to love your wife yet treat her as if she’s dirt. He is aware of what God expects from relationships but is too selfish to really care and unfortunately has a narcissistic personality. So very much no win. I was forced to speak with an attorney which offended him yet he initiated the divorce. So I am diligently working on my Christ like attitude towards him which I can honestly say is very difficult and praying for God to work on his heart and for satan to not have any hold on him. I’m tired and truly feel God is wanting me to fight for this marriage. I am praying that He guides me through the financial as well because I’m very much stuck there as I have no way to make money appear except through the court system which means accepting the divorce process through the courts. I’m confused and praying for God’s hand in all of this. I saved your prayer and subscribed to your blog for words of wisdom. Thank you so much Nicole

    • Hi Nicole, Thanks for stopping by! I am SO sorry to hear about your situation. I will definitely be praying for you. For strength and wisdom to get done what you need to do. Yes it sounds like you did the right thing getting an attorney. You sound like a really strong , amazing woman. I will also pray that you will be surrounded by people who can love and support you in practical ways. That your children during this very difficult season will be easy on you, and resilient and know they are loved. And especially for a breakthrough with the finances…. that the courts will see your situation and get things happening quickly. I have seen God do miraculous things with finances in the past so keep praying and leaning on Him Nicole. He hears you and sees you. much love ooxx

  6. Thank you for your blog. It has been enlightening to me to read that I am not alone. Just not sure which road to take.

  7. Thank you for your encouraging words! I know that God is ABLE!!!! I have been married for 15 years. My husband and I keep hitting a brick wall. I have been asking if we can go see a Christian counselor, but every time he says we need to just both do the “right” thing. But, nothing really changes. He, in my opinion, has an anger problem. He yells at the kids and at me and doesn’t seem to think he is doing anything wrong. We love each other and are committed to our marriage! However, I do not know what steps to take?

    • Hi Amy, Thanks for getting in touch. I will certainly pray for your situation. My initial thoughts are, if he won’t see a counsellor with you but you are struggling with the situation, you can at least go to see one by yourself so that you can have a space to talk things through and gain perspective. Loving each other and being committed to the marriage is such a great start!….its possible you may need to talk with him though and implement some steps/boundaries of what you will do/if when he gets angry next. Sometimes getting out of the house until things are calm might be needed. You can only work through things together effectively when everyone is being calm and get a chance to be heard. Keep praying and loving him and try to find some fun things to do together. Ask God to reveal to you the root cause of his anger and pray into that each day as well. God Bless.

  8. Thank you very much for this enrich message and sharing with us your own experience. Experience is the best teacher. We learn from each other how to solve problems.

  9. I have been for 21 years. The last 9 yrs have been hard. We have drifted apart, but I never imagined my life without him. I love him with all that I have. We have two amazing children. I’m looking for a miracle. That God will hear my prayers and help my marriage. He has asked me for a divorce 6 months ago, but nothing has been processed nor have we spoken about it. We still talk and he still comes home twice a week. When we end our conversations we still say “I love you”. I truly do love him. Please keep me in your prayers.

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